...hate my life.

i've been at summershine for-freakin-ever. some of it has been awesome, other parts not so much. i made a new life-long friend, katherine. we're pretty much b.f.f.f.

ever since being here i've struggled with identity, salvation, relationships...if you can call it that, laziness. o my gosh the list is endless. i'm pretty sure i'm not spiritually mature enough to enjoy summershine like i'm supposed to...i've said that since i got here, maybe a little before too. i'm learning how to work though. i'm glad of that. and i'm earning some cash which is always a good thing. david found a vw bus for 1500 and i'm thinking i'll probably just blow all of my money on that. it'll be worth it...in other news. i got shingles and had to miss five days of work. i'm better now tho. i went running today and yesterday. about 2 miles. pretty good considering i'm 20 pounds and 3 packs of cigarettes away from where i used to be when i ran cross country. anyway, thats all i'm talking about for now. k byeee.

over it in the sense that i know it won't happen. not over it in the sense that it still hurts. not because i wanted it, but because of what happened after i didn't get it.

i feel guilt, anger, blame

usually i go for a confrontation. who knows? maybe i will.

i lived off a race track

they invented new animals that could talk. there was a guinea pig a hampster and a gerbil. and they were rather large. i had to keep them from peeing allover the house by hitting them on the nose. several women lived in the house. and there were students. one student was about to be beaten up so i went to tell a teacher.

a truck went to take a short cut, i let it cut in front of me.

i went to hang out with some people, i forget who it was. either victoria or alex or hallie. then i brought them back to their house and went back to my home - the actual home i live in, just to say hi to everyone and then go out to eat with sara. on the way, i remember that sara said she couldn't eat dinner out, so i decide to go to a park instead and just sit around by myself. my eyes start blurring and my vision goes in and out. i slam on the brakes everyone once in a while but its ok because no one is around me. i pull into the nearest parking lot which happens to be the recycling center. next time my vision comes back its night time and i'm in the passenger seat. i try to feel around for my phone and i find one in the middle console. i try my normal speed dial but all the numbers it dials are wrong. when i get my eyes open again i realize that it's not my phone. its whoever's i was hanging out with earlier that day. i am squished down in the floor board, i look up to see if anyone is around its night, and i see that another car has swerved off the road and their hazards are flashing, but no one is outside of it. its old and rusty and blue. i crouch back down and try to dial the number even though i can't see them. next time my vision comes back i realize that it's a spin dial phone also and i can't figure it out, my fingers are shaking too much. my vision comes back pretty good. i climb into the drivers seat and begin to pull away. i'm in reverse when i thought i was in drive, but i decide to just turn around that way instead. i accidentally back into the old blue car and decide that i will call the police to report it as soon as i get home. as i get turned around i drive past the blue car and realize that it has crashed head on with an 18 wheeler, another is crashed behind that and  then my car starts falling down a deep ravine. i have confidence that i'll be ok, maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. i shut my eyes and somehow i end up back at my house. i'm in my parents bedroom and i try to tell my mom what happened but i'm histerical, apparently some time has passed since then. she then shows me a book that i wrote. i say ' oh yeah, i've been meaning to do that' then realize that i've already done it. she reads it and then hands it to me. at first the story makes sense then i go to character introduction pages. they're close-up pictures of the women from the other house. the first one is a woman wearing a dark sweater. and it says "she has a dark soul" i start to cry because i think that i have written this person to represent me. there are others like a woman with a green sweater, most of them are wearing white though. i feel scared because i think they all represent me and that i have a split personality and that i'm going crazy. i tell my mom that i've been having memory lapses. i wake up and don't know where i am, and then i tell her that i never would have let her read the book if i knew what was in it. i look at the laptop that my mom has now set aside. the webcam is on. i see my face and its hideous. my forehead is flat like a caveman's, my eyes are bugging out and i look disgustingly skinny. i start screaming hysterically "why do i look like that!?" over and over again. my mom says that she doesn't know what i'm talking about. then i realize that i'm the only one who sees my face that way and i start crying and i hug her waist and bury my face in her stomach and tell her that i need to see a doctor because i think i'm going crazy. we go talk in my room and i tell her that i feel like two people, but i didn't know that i was crazy, i try to tell her that i'm not a bad person and that i love her and that it tears me up when she doensn't trust me, it makes me cry. then my dad my brother and my cousin ryan come in the room. my mom starts saying - look how young your father looks, look how young he looks. i look back at myself in the webcam and i still see my face the same way. she says go give your father a hug.  my vision is still messing up so i hug ryan instead of my father, and i don't realize it until i've layed down in the bed. i go to sleep for a while and then my eyes open and i'm in my room still. and i'm awake for real, i look around and can't remember where i am and then i remember that i was napping and i wasn't sure whether it really happened or not.